Wednesday, October 26, 2011

On Pornography

I did a petty thing recently. I read an essay entitled, “On the Value of Masturbation and Pornography,”and felt compelled to respond to it (posted below).

The subject matter is so not my primary focus, but I do confess to a passing interest in it. The author’s main argument seems to be guys need sex and if they don’t get it bad things can happen. The secondary point is about women’s lower sex drive, lack of masturbatory skills or interest, their disinterest in porn, and their bad attitudes when he tries to pick them up.

I sympathize with most women’s lackluster response to current porn — it’s too stylized and garish. Porn should be about well-intentioned Pizza Delivery Girls on roller skates, or creative Housewives sharing recipes (preferably shot in black and white). The Repair guy series is always good with mute on. Lawn Boy — need I say more? Okay, one more — Girl’s Dormitory (with Reform School Girls a close second).

My favorite is the vintage porn from the 30's — 50's. Badly lit and scratchy, the underwear alone is worth the watch — giant panties and garter belts. Brassieres with a capital B. The men wear droopy drawers, some with buttons and muscle T-shirts under their regular shirts. The body hair on both the men and the women adds texture, roots the scene, makes it organic. The word Muff comes to mind.

The female bodies in porn today are comic book sculpted. I don’t know who to pity more — the women who have this done to themselves or the generation of males brainwashed into thinking this actually looks good. The breast enhancement alone is a frightening transfiguration, like they’ve been exposed to gamma rays, radioactive material, or really bad karma. Woody Allen’s rampaging giant breast in "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex*But Were Afraid to Ask," comes to mind.

I bet there are many young men scared to death that the female breast as depicted (mimed? impersonated?) in porn might either smother them or put an eye out.



Response to author on the value of P & M:

I feel your pain, young man. Very shocked and dismayed that young women today are so cruel to you. In my day, we ignored a man’s shortcomings. Even if we pitied him, kindness and generosity were part of the feminine creed. You need to broaden your scope, try to find different women. If that is not possible, then go ahead and watch porn, and masturbate, and write more one-handed essays.